|vIRTUALLY yOURS:||cAROLYN L bURKE|
|be warned: this is my diary... clb||page 15|
Peace and quiet. A week of people.
Quarter to 5... off to the airport. Wish me luck!!!! I'll write tomorrow if I can. And I'll send pictures!
Can't write anymore though now, as I haven't zipped the luggage yet. I wish the chaos of Rit hadn't swept through here first.
I'm here! In London, typing at the LBS. Niels is watching me write a diary entry! Very strange. I've got a whole bunch of 20+ wondering London streets pictures from out and around England's streets and of course the train stations.. Just don't take them on holidays.
Niels and I are off to a movie now.
Before I go off though, I'd like to write a bit. I asked him to leave for a few minutes. He is really nice, and it is fun being here, meeting an oldnew friend, and seeing a different place. I don't find the city different though from what I already know. It is holiday time here, and people on the streets are mostly tourists. Tomorrow should se the dawn of everyday life. I'm looking forward to this.
I'm feeling pressured by circumstances to simply relax now. I've been looking for problems where there are none. Silly me. There aren't prioblems. I have a really cool and relaxing place to stay. No work, although I am concerned about what is happening in Toronto while I am gone. I hope everything is well. When I called Peter up yesterday, he was sitting in the tub writing poems. I had talked wiht him Saturday while out shopping, discussing some of his more core personality bits. Afterwards he seemed as if the world had been lifted from his shoulders. The light in his eyes on Sunday as he saw me off was new. I hope it shines ever brighter. Perhaps he is finally on the road to healing fully. I hope so. Now in his bath he is writing a beautiful poem inspired by the energy I freed up in him. I couldn't have decided to do anything nicer and more wonderful for him than this. He has made me so proud of him for really living his life according to his own dreams.
Niels is a person with lightness through and through his person. He has said many times that he simply doesn't understand... can't even imagine, some things. Like feeling sad easily and often, or pursuing venegence. I like him for this. I have seen this in his writing to me over this past year. Now in person he is like this. He wants to love me. And he says that he knows me really very well. Strangely, he really does after having emailed with me for almost a year, and having read what I write here. Me, I'm leary -- this is to be expected since I don't know him half so well, even with being able to read people well. I think I really do know him well though and am simply denying what I am thinking and feeling. What am I denying? I suspect it is that I ahd hoped that Niels could really travel the thoguht paths I wonder through with me. With a lot of energy on my part he does, but only just. A lack of familiarity is certainly playing a role. But I know it is also that we do not share the same goals or motivations. Then again I am here to relax, and am struggling with this a lot. Right now, typing here, I feel more at home spelling out what I think than I have wondering throgh a new city with an old new friend.
He is of course very cute which I didn't expect or even hope for. A bother and a distraction. I'm not at one with Rit's behaviour last weekl, and this leaves me a little out of sinc with flying to anohter country to meet up with someone I've known only through email. Niels and I are working to bring into harmony a long standing and warm friendship with the reality of who we are in person. An interesting and to me very awkward situation.
Both Peter and Richard worried in their own ways and for their own reasons about whether I might leave Toronto and them. I wouldn't dream of it. I wish I made people feel a little more secure about how I feel, about my plans and desires for the future -- with them! I'll try a little harder. Flying around the world to meet a new (old) friend is something I've tried beofre, less successfully. I think my people, my friends, know this. I hope they do... since with each I build the best that is posible between us.
Building the best in each of us into the world as extensions of reality can be very beautiful. I write here. I build a business, and I try to live in harmony with many others' dreams, not only consistent with them, but also constructively creative. Tracey, I can't phone you now off in your cottage in Northern Ontario, and I would. To gossip, and chat and fill my heart with a bit of extra safety and strength. I wonder if you know that you are much of the source of strength in me these days. Thanks. I want to be as much to you.
Self awareness. How can I really know if someone is?
|A pressed into the page here beautiful Holiday Greetings card to every CyberSpace Internet Holiday junkie!!|
All that mythology about this being a rainy place is simply wrong! It's been sunny and very cold here since I arrived! Odd.
I'm having a really good time.Niels has indeed turned out to be like I thought he would be, someone smart and interesting and quite nice. I wrote a bit about how I don't want any of my friends to feel threatened that I might act stupid about him. I want to express that directly. It is nice I think to have successfully out of all the persons who write to me because of the diary to have picked out someone who is really just a happy person at heart - by default. It is very intereting to watch, and a little tiring too! Imagine a person who instead of defaulting to depression is instead as easily happy feeling. I really don't know what to make of it. But it does tire me out. I find myself almost wanting to be unhappy for no reason. Wierd.
I am totally looking forward to coming back home in 5 days! Until then though, we are going to do a few neat things like drive to Scotland for New Years Eve, and go through the tunnel under the English Channel to Paris for tommorow. I think thse will be very amusing touristy things to do, and a lot of fun perhaps too.
I feel a little rushed with the Internet connection here being a bit slow and fraigle. But I'll try to write a bit more. It's interesting getting to in-person know Niels after knowing him ofr a year only in email and talk, and for for him, reading this here thingy. I'm sitting in Niels' office trying to center myself and write. He is very much into staying close by me, and I find this a little distracting. A lot distracting. I'm trying to establish my own space here while having not much to do except relax. But relaxing should be personal as well as social. So I'm slowly starting to implement more time alone which as it turns out Niels appreciates too.
Is he self-aware? I'd say he is. I wondered for awhile though. Then an un-exceptional event happened which served to communicate across the barriers. I felt walking around in new shoes in this cold to be too trying. People who know me well will knowwhat I mean. Niels didn't seem to notice that I said many times that it was wearing me out. Eventually, I simply lost my temper - thoguh mildly, and refused to do anymor walking around inthe cold. He looked hurt, But curiouslky he alsoi asked me why. So I told him that I had decided to specialize myself in being able to do some things well and some things not at all. One of the nots is unduring physical things that are beyond my limits (which are rather wimpy). He walked away at that point.
About an hour later, he bounced into the room (Niels is incredibly happy and high energy). He announced with quite a lot of pride, much like a puppy bringing in thepaper for the first time successfully, that he understood why I didn't want to walk around, and further that he thought it made sense! I've never encountered anything like that. So I looked closely. Lo I found that he must have gone away and actually thought about what I said. Further he concluded somehing, namely that what I was doing wasn't simply being a finick or throwing a tantrum, I was behaving in a reasoned manner. And he respected that. I take as evidence of sentience on his part.
Well Niels just read up to here, and probably won't read this for a day or so. He kinda liked what I've written, and had a few questions. Neat. We're off to dinner shortly.
G'night! and miauuu to Moppins, Peter, Richard, and everyone... yu too Tracey!
Yesterday, I Toured London for a few hours and then went shopping. We were going to go to Paris, but Niels felt justifiably that it was too expensive. He is rather implusive in makin gsuggestions that don't work later on often. Neatly, we did rent a car this morning to travel up to Yorkshire to see mummy's roots, and he wants to go up into Scotland later to see Loch Ness. Cute. We already wiped out the side of the car -- the passwenger side -- since we both come from countries with other-side driving. Yikes. I don't know whether to chance driving myself, or to chance his driving again! We'll see. Driving is after all just a set of conventions to follow - with a death penalty for really fucking them up!
Niels wants me to rush now so that we can be off, but I don't like being told that is what I want to do. So I am simply going to take my time and do what I want. That's why I'm here anyway. I'm wondering though, even though we get along, whether it would be nicer to stay off by myself. I'd like the peace and quiet. I'll get a lot of that when I get home again though!
I'm going to try to take more interesting pictures this time thoguh. St. Paul's cathedral by C. Wren, and other touristy sights and landmarks go only so far. This place has a million memorials and statues. Anyone with enough money / fame / ?? seems to have a marked grave. This place reaks of caring about its history. That sort of sentimentaliyt breeds a strong social bond, but it is also heavy feeling. I like more freedom from such.
I'll be offline for a few days, but I've started keeping an offline diary that I'll transcribe here next week. I can be more insightful there, and less rushed!
I just checked out the pictures above! Some of them are really cool.. I'm going to process the whole lot back in Canada to make th esotry prettier, and faster to load.
But I'm doing so much travalogue stuff here instead of letting myself relax into my own mind for awhile. Peace indeed. Rit wrote me a letter today, after some others I haven't responded to. She seems to think my silence is an indication of not wanting to talk with her ... It is really just simply fear that she will start saying things I say to other people some more. I say what I want, and I don't enjoy her quoting me all over the place. I am not a truth-functional person anymore, and she is holding me to those standards by quoting me all the time. Those standards entail a complete lack of intelligent strategy in dealing with other people.. letting the mahjong tiles fall where they may. No mahjong player would survive. Imagine playing poker with Rit looking at your cards and everyone elses, and then have her make public announcements about all the hands. Indeed. I always do start people outwith open hands - to see how they play and to see whether it might be required to play with colsed hands, or even not at all. She forces everyone to play open handed, even if some of the people are not above board in their thinking. I play open handed with people with good intentions, and also with intentions similar enough to mine that we can all benefit.
Surrounded by truth functional people. Sigh. Why do so many good minds want to live in formal system capsules? Dumb question. They want to because things make sense... even if things aren't true. Funny that I think that truth functional people have less access to the truth than I do with strategical thinking instead. Very funny. Miau.
Niels interupted me again. What was I writing about... He likes a lot of attention from me. He has such wonderful reactions to who I am. He really and simply likes me. An unusual occurance. I want to learn to find his high energy flittiness and good intentioned friendliness and attentions digestible. I hope I can. He is very sweet, and intelligent, and so well balanced -- even as an air person. [Peter is an earth person, I'm air, Rit is clearly fire, oh and Athena seems to be a water person. : old-fashioned way of ordering people. ] No fear.. lack of fear. Smooth, he says of himself. He is too. No panic. Well... he is chatting with me now, and I guess I should be wiling to leave. I'll write more while we drive -- while trying not to pray we don't hit anything again! Bye, I feel like I can't let go of writing.. I have so much to write about. Crystalizations of thoughts will emerge next week as a result o fall of this built up supersaturation of my thoughts. Miaauuuu.
Hey there England.. I'm back at home. Here's the wrap up on my whole 95 / 96 trip to the British Isles.
I've been working all day ... since 4am actually thanks to jet lag. It's 6:30pm and I'm almost ready to call it a night. I suppose if I want to be a bit of a jetsetter, I'd better learn to recover from jetlag faster. I've spent all my social time [Moppins chirps ever so happily on my lap suddenly.] talking with first Richard, and then Peter, and always Moppins. Life will get back to normal shortly. Except for two things: I have this really cool incredibly wonderful new friend in London, and also a series of memories that'll be hard to forget, even for me. The contrasts with normal space are / were too great to forget them easily. And I learned a bit about being a happy person from Niels.
I just decided to invite Richard to a movie ... jetlag solved, unless the movie is dull. :) I am soooo burned out.
And dull myself. At least to myself. So much of Rit and then of Niels that I can hardly regard normal time as anything but normal - boring. Right.
Clients are just pooring in in the new year! To quote Niels, "Excellennttt!"
Travelogues and petty commentary. Reduced to rubble after so many why people bopping about. miauu.
I wish something would crawl inside of me holding harder onto what makes us human than usual. My moods are flashing around here as I settle back into the norm. I wouldn't want to be near me. Even after a long hot bath, I find that my competency in doing anything amounts to nothing, and that includes the one thing I was relying on to cover for the rest. I want to rely on others to each do what they do best. The alternative of always doing everything oneself has limits. I'd like to get over this lacking enthusiasm for the is.
I've devalued most of the things I cared about previously along with the burdens. Ooops. Like having toured places. The seeing creates memories but of buildings. The mind travels so much more complexly elsewhen and where than can the boy. Buildings, and peoples' smiles are the mere instantiations of the body drifting through physical space on time's back. Oh let us not forget to refuel.
There is a contrast of confusion in me, that between the necessry and hence healthy physical behaviours (a hard set to clearly delineate without some better science around), and the luxury providing behaviours, those that we do in spare times to various ends. A twisty arguer might even suggest that having some of the latter is necessary in the sense of the former, as a need. I'm perhaps hungry. Necessary and hence healthy. "NNNOOOOOOO," screaming through my head. Will I pay attention?
The seeing is in some sense luxurious, and in some sense to me necessary, but with resentment attached, like most of the necessaries. To be at peace with the necessary would be a luxury though. Word games. trash
I'd like to have enthusiasm without delusion. Yeah right. I'd not like to tick along without question. Tick tick tick. Mechanisms a plenty spilled around the world like a sparkling tiara, valued anti-Luddites without consideration of their own unique downfall. No more humanity. We will be alone in the dark shadow of the machine with only the tick tick embrace of efficient works. Not a necessary unless we continue to spiral in towards the attractor of (ever elusive) comforts. Are we more comfortable than yesterday? Are we happier? Only delusionally. Only as our religions satisfy this story with the researchers' ever better manipulation skills surrounding our perceptions. Where are the cracks without tick tick...
Delusions. Only there? And "NO" again. No, there is comparison between yesterday and today. There are differences upon which we can hang the comforting hat with the ear covers attached. Seeing.. perhaps, but now the scream won't be heard. A little comfort gained. simply no
As the moon races the sun over the hills and behind the multinational complexes, we breath in tick tick seeing hills and buildings, people. To let go the delusion of comfort is to see only its lack. A contrast once again. Today I cannot know for everything is true.
Bindings and bound things. Free things unbound also exist.
When Richard was pretty well finished his dissertation, he wondered around handing copies to people onthe grounds that knowledge is fostered through open sharing of ideas and work. And people indeed responded well to this show, callinghim in the end collegial, the highest honour I've heard granted in academia. His dissertation was poked and prodded by many a mind. I remember one day when Steve said to him something along the lines of there being only one remaining mixed metaphor in the work (a book length work).
That a metaphor could be mixed was news to me. That people would knowthe repetoire well enough to be confident saying there was no more than one in this huge work was astounding. There seemed to be a finite supply of these metaphors. And clearly Steve and Richard knew them. I wonder that I didn't fall on the floor laughing at the time, the problem with a mixed metaphor being at best invisible to me. But instead I retained some amount of awe up to yesterday.
Finally yesterday it dawned on me that the mixing of metaphors was in part determined by their proximity. I asked Richard how close these things were allowed to get before becoming mixed and he simply smiled mischievously. Could two metaphors share the same sentence, paragraph at all? Imagine that using one thematic metaphor might close off the use of any others. That couldn't be what was intended. Once again, there was a convention on the loose, something slippery and elusive that even someone well-read such as myself (well of scifi anyway) hadn't noticed.
This issue has stayed with me ever since. I remember writing a poem years ago and before grad school at all in which every expression of mood was represented by the mentioning of a bird, either in cliche or metaphor. The punch line of the poem (there is a better word for that) relied on the imagery of lemmings, which at the time I thought were a species of bird. The poem in fact started in my head with that last line, and developed. Imagine my surprise upon finding that only I would understand that last line as intended. Lemmings simply are not birds, and the author of that poem must have done such a thematic metaphor break on purpose, for some grand reason. I think the poem was about the difficuty of studying for exams, the last line meaning that one becomes a member of a whole community, inclusive of assembly line stupidity, and gaining nothing but membership in this rarefied family. But the meaning as I wrote the poem had some extra twist as the bird imagery suddenly switched. Now I see that maybe that was fortuitous. The poem suggeted as well that with that selling out / buying in came a transformation of the self into a new type of thing - to belong to this rarefied place meant to have different concerns and values as an individual, no longer AVES, somehow now MAMMALIAN.
A novice in the use of these literary devices, I as yet cannot tell how others might take their misuse. As each metaphor is original to me, I cannot see their mixing. I see a new image each time, unconstituted of bits of others images. I wonder thatothers do not see these as well as they are often beautiful, the juxaposition of unlikely associations are simpy more interesting to the mind. More work must be done to make sense of the mix perhaps but that is what makes something interesting to me.
Snow falls gently outside the window. The angular perspective of a staircase lifts upwards to wards rows of ghostly birds. As grey turns to pale blue turns to white bright sky, the birds silently fly away one by one, leaving only their footprints on the wire above. I try to see the romance in my understanding.
Inside, plants recover from their ordeal. They more than people suffer from a holiday hangover. Perhaps photosynthesis is more costly than we credit. A small breeze from the overhead fan stirs the window covering a little, and the cat opens an eye just in case. She rolls back into black fluff as the eye closes again. It's Sunday morning and nothing bothers us.
As the sun fights off further attempts to show itself today, breakfast becomes an issue, and if this were a normal story, there'd be some mysterious event at this point that would pull the narrative into action. But we are alone and things will remain calm, unlike the days over Christmas this past year. The cat snores a little. Only the hissing of this computer as I type can be heard, no traffic is around yet, and the phone is silent. Without the modern entertainment appliances, those that make noise cannot intrude in our peaceful morning.
What then is the point of living? If this is the desired easy state of wisened confort and graceful thought, then what can I do? Everything is the fatalistic answer, and I justifiably veer away from such egotistical meanderings. Shall I simply invent a new religion, continue building something, check to see if my car will start in this cold? Write a personal note to someone I know? That is a good idea in fact.
Made it through another Sunday. Richard and I fought evil spirits and successfully battled against Galoran the Bandit, I Aethra. I need to pick up my speed in feeling good around him again. After the holidays, I'm feeling like closing down some hatches to recover. I suspect a lot of people feel this way now. Too many changes, and the old ruts are a little too small to fit back into.
Centering takes place in oneself, not in the making of the world into an equilibrium surrounding oneself. It is easier to point out in all directions equally than it is to convince the world to point in at you from all directions equally. Being off center is the mistaken belief in trying to cause the world to balance you for you, a cheapening ofthe harder and more rewarding work that must be done in oneself. I am not centered now.
Pulls from people are coming in once again from many directions. I must advocate that pulling me does not do anyone any good. I simply pull back as necessary. The string lesson of moving cats through temptation and attraction works with me and not the obedience school lesson dogs undergo - the push to stop push to start manuevering that so belittles the little bit of self-respect allowed to a pack animal.
First runner-up in the understanding Carolyn game... Mark Nesbitt with a note asking me to be more regular in writing here. :) Easy. I lied to all my friends, everyone this past week, and instead of the hard working marathon of business strife that I suggested was going down, I took off to a nice vacation spot for two days. Swimming, sports, lounging, a tv with 40 channels, movie theatres and shopping in the same complex, room service and simple relaxation. Nothing far away, just enough to get out of the local phone calling region and away from email and voice mail alike. :) So yeah, I guess I was doing some serious head getting-together stuff.. and of course although this next 30 days will be killer busy, there is also Jamaica for a week right after. Sanity breaks. Short and intense. And no online connections in jamaica planned. I'll look into it!
Niels writes to me a lot, carefully and with his natural enthusiasm and sense of life, intelligent life. While I was away visiting him in London, who should quit smoking but Peter, and after over 15 years on the weed. I decided not to give him the gift I brought back, some London tobacco. I did buy it for him, the only gift I've ever bought for him, after I heard of this decision of his to quit, and after its implementation too. My, I do have quite the ironic sense of humour. I knew I wouldn't give it to him all along even while making the purchase. I really wonder quite why I did it though. Anger. I smoked for four years after meeting him and running headlong into this habit of his. I started with one cigarette. I was 20. I argued to him that if he smoked he would cause me to as well. I smoked for four years. Not a winning move on my part. I've not smoked for longer than that now, and I still have the occasional dream of satisfied inhalation. I can only imagine what he must be going through.
But after I arrived back here, I found instead of the warm foundation of security providing love, a nervous highstrung guy running around doing too much for his own constitution, and his is high. Elegantly curious. And I'm glad that I don't live with him as I cannot imagine being able to be good-natured about this after all the years of smoking personally, and of casting him out into the wintery nights to smoke outside of our house. I cannot imagine that the empathy I have for an hour a day on average when we see each other could endure a shared environment. I haven't lived with him for a couple of years, with the exception of a couple of months last year, and still I resent this enough to have purchased a gift for him, something neither of us ever did get into. Wow.
And now as all of his people go slowly through the milder versions of withdrawl, withdrawl from the centering and non-lizard vibes he normally contrasts everyone else with, now I look after him a bit, and remind him that the demon he sees in himself is withdrawl, and not himself. Now I am the source of the vibes, for awhile.
And with this and with business responsibility, and with the responsibility I take about absolutely everything else I notice, I see, did see, that I must not feel lazy when I relax. I know this, and I don't feel it quite easily enough. Relax. The centering of me is important to everything that I am responsible for, a list never to be enumerated (another responsibility).
or the weather as it were. Migraine season, and no medication without ulcers as a response. A bottle of pills to choose ulcer or headache with. Modern medicine indeed.
It seems I'm on the same movie seeing circuit as Peter and Athena. I saw Four Rooms last night, and apparently so did they at a different theatre at least. Same time though. Curious. This is th second time, previosuly with Rit and Tracey also accompanying the two parties. I like Tarrantino's movies though. They seem more real than anything I've seen from Hollywood. More real.
I think I better make a break for the facilities...
Made it. I'm going to have to do something about this medication problem. Our big day on the 31st is going incredibly well. That is the day we're hosting a special venue about Internet as a new - but otherwise normal - media for various agencies about town. Our response rate has been stupendous, and I'm looking quite forward to meeting these execs. And right before the 8th too. Hmmmm.
Things have been going well, even with yesterday's misery. Hired someone to do all the odds and ends full time now, and so our work load should grow once again. Funny that. I'm looking forward to this a lot. And I haven't had any morning coffee yet... and its likethe dots onthe screen are walking around finding other words to spell for themselves.
Just a sec.
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