C a r o l y n ' s D i a r y diary.carolyn.org
|be warned: this is my diary... clb||page 56|
I'm still on my rollercoaster of emotions. The good news is that the emotions are not about Richard any more. Perhaps this might change, but for now, the rollercaoster is a purer reflection of my own needs and hurts.
I'm enjoying this although the tailspin I hit yesterday hurt. Seems like I'm feeling better and better, but that my resiliance is very low. That will come back too. Really amazing though is that I enjoy pursuing the goodness and ethicalness that preceed happiness -- for me.
I was reading yesterday, or perhaps Friday night, about research being done on substances collected by the Mars lander. I followed through to several NASA and AMES sites. I really want to spend some time on the AMES site(s). The research rocks: computational astrobiology.
I followed through into a reference on Islamic Cosmology, hoping to learn a bit about the scientific views and research of a thousands year old culture. Mmmm.. didn't happen.
I've also in a rather clear-haded moment talking to that gorgeous guy last night, realized that I'm about ready to emerge from the chrysallis of the last decade. Damn, this is exciting. Watch and see over the next year. I have personal plans to make, and people to speak with. Butterfly, although you are renamed, you are not forgotten.
As my online personal ad suggests, what I expect from a date is breakfast in bed. Yes I put one up. I wondered what the world of dating was like, whether someone like me has space to flourish with that limited genre. Too much information? Get used to it. Things are changing. Gotta run now.
Later in the day..
Spent the afternoon wandering the city, touring parts of the culture I haven't more than peeked at previously. I come away with a sense that people can be very creative. I also feel that I don't want to jump into a culture any more than I ever have. I like walking many paths through life, if not in parallel, then at lease bit by bit.
Small orange roses come to mind. I didn't see any today. They're the flavour I feel now. I am .... eating dinner.
My birthday is in ten days. Normally I celebrate my half birthday instead (6 months off). This year, I'm going to enjoy everything, including my birthday.
So very curious, this new life of mine. The logs here of the last few months are incredibly clear (to me). I read through them last night, a thing I do not ever do (almost). I am astounded at the forecasting, not so much of events, but of the feelings I've gone through.
There are things inside of me that will ... that sounds a bit off. I am intersted in all the things a person can do n life. I had a very positive experience this morning. i was invited to sit on a roundtable discussion hosted by Kevin Lynch, Canada'a Deputy Minister of Finance. Other persons in attendance were interseting, well informed, and full of great understanding and ideas or suggestions to share. The 3 hour discussion covered many many shards of Canada's future planning as a nation. I enjoyed the interactivity and frankly my own contributions. Watch for some "branding" changes over the next five years, suggested in overview only by me. Overview: we are a country of complementary strengths to the US, having a competitive advantage in reacting quickly and nimbly to world requirements. Contrast a big bureaucracy layered over top of many consultants, with a small and organized team of experts. :) Anyhow.. not my only contribution, but one that hooked a few people a lot, including the deputy minister.
I can see that I will enjoy my eventual move into politics.
I'm heading out for the evening shortly, off to see a friend's band. And I will enjoy yet more the company I will have.
Sitting home alone right now still doesn't feel right. I have finally I suspect become a social and extroverted soul. Who knew? I wonder if, as in discussions with Steve years ago [Steve when are you guys returning? I still miss you adn Sab], he taught me how to reenergize my introvert self after (or during) extroverted events. Can I have learned how to enjoy these so soon?
More simply, I suspect that fear is just gone. No more. I want to laugh and cry and ... I want to be close to everyone. [Somewhere I do have standards too, but these are running on autopilot while I explore and have a lot of fun.]
Change change change.
I have to thank Agassi too, for his insight into research and technology, and how we are concerned (should be anyway) three future points, the short term, medium (human life span) and long (the span of a culture / nation state / ...). I sincerely requsted that the governmnet turn an eye beyond their 10 year planning cycle, into mankind's real future.
Poots is pregnant!! See Blue Threads
Gorgeous dumped me yesterday. Why? Another woman he's been seeing is jealous. Story of my life. Moving on. Too high-school for me. Maybe there's some fun and friendship there. Maybe not.
Got a call from my producer friend from his sun-filled vacation destination.
My house hasn't sold yet, but there's an open house on Sat.
I'm off with a wonderful co-worker to give a presentation at ProjectWorld in a little while. I'm really looking forward to seeing her shine.
And my galaxy is hurting bad. We've had a leadership revolution, which I helped spark. Our leaders rocked, and yet they couldn't make the time committment during this, the end game. I hope they'll still welcome me out on Fridays for a beer, er... glass of wine!!
I really am growinghappier by the day. Each day seems more full of hope and possibility and learning and fun and sex and people and good things. Bye bye repression and conservatism and the bubble of fear world I chose to participate in.
Waiting for my house to sell. Here's where I'll be moving to, as feated by infiltration.org.
Not feeling as good today. Earlier I was, but aloneness is piling up again. This morning reiner submitted his credit statement for expense reimbursement. A month ago he threw a tantrum announcing he'd never use his card for company expenses again, and this month he's submitting it again. I'm a bit confused. Fine, he forgot. The (cynically) charming part though is that he charged some personal outtings on teh card. Although he didn't ask that these be reimbursed, they are there. I so did not want to know the where's given that he flaunted the when's in my face.
I asked him really only for one thing when he dumped me. I asked him not to see other people (and me neither) until after we'd moved away and apart. He refused saying he needed to pursue happiness finally. And he didn't hesitate, and he made that clear. I know where they went for dinner though now on the day that I spent a complete mess.
Today is a minor version of that day. I've pulled my office door shut, and will work quietly on my own mostly today. It astounds me that he'd have the audacity to flaunt his trash at me. I am glad that I've been going out, seeing other people, and generally being social and sexual for me. I'm glad that I didn't tighten up instead. I'm glad that I enjoyed myself, and didn't look back (too much). I need to continue on that path, even after gorgeous is gone away. I learned that he had a girlfriend already. What a skunk. Seems I'd better pay very close attention to the social norms so that I don't get hurt further (too much).
Today is going to be very long.
One thing I've noticed about me. Now that I'm really cut loose from existing previous relationship ties, I don't seem to have a natural boundary around these categories, friendship, sexual interaction, flirting, enjoyment of any sort. They all seem to be natural extensions when offered or invited. How much should I draw lines around bits of me, simply to fit in well in society? It's hard not being "safe" any more -- safe == unavailable.
For god sakes, man, close the bathroom door when you're using the toilet. It's a simple thing. And perhaps if we were in love, or even speaking to each other, it could be overlooked. Now that we are, at best, estranged roommates, have some decency. I had the toilet fixed there so that you wouldn't have any excuse to come up to my floor any longer (after 6 months), and use the bathroom up here. And i asked you to wear clothing when you did come up here, only after you dumped me. It was only decent not to walk around nude in my bedroom after you dumped me. Given that only blatent nudity turned you on sexually anyway, figure it out. I know you don't read what I write though, and never did respect me for what I produced, and can create. i know I don't really care at all whether you behave as a decent person, not any longer. Still, you should learn to be civilized. Other people in your future might just care.
Go off and have babies to ignore, just like Babbage in her cage. Find a loving wife who will also last a few years only before being discarded. Your curse will continue, try to control those who try to care about you. Have them live in your orbit while they think the crumbs you toss when you approve of their actions (but not their minds). And trust that again and again you will be the person you hated so, and yet without the strong loyalty he evinced. Your kids will not love you either, although they may fear you as so many others do. Petty tyrant. Your world is shrinking faster as you pursue "happiness".
Living off popcorn and business lunches, and treating your physical self as if it doesn't matter, totally ignoring that all of us around you are alive. Even when I bash my head on a shelf this morning, and fall with a sharp scream to the floor does not move you out of your deadened apathy. Life is vibrant and excessive and fun, full of sensation, thought, learnings and understandings, discoveries and exploration. Perhaps your able memory deprives you of the joy of doing something a second time. your favourite comment, denoting significance has always been that this was the first time you've done it. Never the second or the fifth. The iterations are always polish opportunities for future story-telling, posturing about rather than experiencing the depth.
Your curse could be your able memory. Linked with a retarded lack of empathy for life, in you self, you tempt those those around to narrow into your unhappy clones. Prefer rather the sidekick, if you must, that charming individual who provides counterpoint to your melodies. Craig™ did you better back when he was playing with a full deck. He fostered a wild garden of characters, encouraging them to thrive. You sir, should take a lesson in that. Instead you are one of the wild characters in the garden I've landscaped. Perhaps you are the prickly and arrogant shrub near the heated wall, or the tightly knotted chrysthanemum bundles, planted only for the fall, petals enshrounding a withering perfume. Perhaps you are more the sculpted cement fountain, once pristinely sparkling with paint, and now chipped.
I wrote your mom today, almost apologetically. I want to give her back the wondrous books she leant me over the holidays. I told her briefly what has happened. I hope she doesn't mind, and that she will not hold you to task for it. She is a good person, and has always tried to be there for you, through your bad states and I suppose through the good ones..
Be happy. Good luck.
I will be happy. Although i awoke crying from a dream last night, almost in shock at being treated so badly, unfairly, acused of incompetence, me a person who thrives on praise and fondness, although that happened, I am growing and rejuvenating. Little pieces of me are awakening and coming out to play. This is amazing, me. Simple that i really like wh i am, and for over 4 years, have instead chosen, most voluntarily, to live within the self-hating box of accusation. Please take your self-hatred away. Point it elsewhere. When i thanked you today, the first glance of your face in over 2 weeks, I noticed two things. One was that I really meant it. I am complexly glad to not have you around at all in any way. The other was that you looked terrible, drawn and weak, unhappy and thin. That's just sad given that you're chasing happiness after getting rid of me. I'd hav expected you to at least act your way to looking good.
Most important in all of this is that I do not want you close at all. Stay the fuck away from me for ever. Do not look to me for companionship, friendship, trust, happiness, concern, caring, warmth, empathy. At best you will find only utility based tactical interactions. In each interaction, i will clearly and with confidence ask, "What is in this interaction for me?" When the answer is clearly nothing, I will simply walk away. When worse then nothing i will tug the sharp pointed stick out of my heart and soul, and neatly point it at you, perhaps with a thrust, and then simply walk away. You will be conditioned to stay away. And when the answer is that there is something in it for me (a terribly ruthless position that I do not want to ever have to use elsewhere), I will evaluate every iota of contribution for the taint of foul corruption. You are not ever trusted again.
And when I slip and hit my head, and fall to the floor, don't bother helping. You never did while we were together. There is no reason to think my life should be any warmer around you now that we are not. Stay in hell, my ol friend, where you've kept house for decades.
5 minutes after MIDNIGHT... on my birthday
I've had an interesting day. I caught up with an old and dear friend, someone who has grown into her own now. That was very nice, and I enjoyed. That is Tracey. You go girl! And she gave me a gift, which simply warmed me wonderfully.
I did a tv spot just before that, and a new friend left me this rocking voice mail at the office. She caught me live on the show, and I guess I tickled her fancy there. That rocked too. Thanks Jen.
Peter and I purred back and forth today a lot. Things are in play again, and I hope to have those same things settled out over the next two months. I will have a lot of freedom, even more than now, to walk my own path.
Agnes let me into her life a bit more, and shared her flowering world. Carey sent birthday wishes (I miss you !!) from her NZ wild life.
I saw this incredible show last night, Mama Mia, with my romantic producer, who thinks wild and leud (I'm prudish enough not to know how to even spell that word LOL) thoughts about us. And we visited afterwards with his rockin musician friend. They both admitted to reading this space of mine. Tracey admitted she doesn't / hasn't. And I have a present waiting for me. I cannot wait.
I erred in hanging out with that guy again this evening, Gorgeous. I must pull back and leave that friendship for awhile. There is too much going on there, and I don't want to be involved at all. I'm empathic, and don't need the self created sorrows building there, not with my own wounds so fresh and well-salted.
I also went out with a fellow on the weekend, on Sunday afternoon. He was smart and funny, and had an eery thread of sadness there that needs more healing before being near someone like me.
I'm trying ... to get over my central nervous system shyness, and just enjoy. i'm doing such a great job for me. I'm out a lot, and home alone in an evening when I didn't think I would be. And writing here to let myself know that ... I wish I wasn't lonely. So long as my expectations of being alone are planned out, i am okay. It's when I'm suddenly alone that I am not balanced.
I want to go away far away to that greek island in the show last night, and play in the sand.
And i finally sent an invitation that cannot be ignored to this young man who I had a crush on since meeting. he will turn this down, and I will move on without ever knowing why.
And my dilemma? I made plans with that guy which I'd like to do and I'd like to break. Play strong and carefree, and just enjoy myself == go with the plans. Protect my feelings against his pain == cancel them. One's agressive and the other sad. So I'll take the agressive path, for my own good. I won't make any further plans with him though. Wrapping up and etting go will be important.
How d I go further?
Happy Birthday, Carolyn. Now get some sleep!!! [MISSING ENTRY]
Never ending days leading to too little time for online pursuits. Genesis (like) concert, sushi dinners, dialogues and conversations, horses that are not zebras, and hopefully my house will find a buyer soon.
I miss having a home.
And strangely, like many a Friday evening, I'm without plans. I'll leave the office shortly, go to the house, and hang out with cats. Perhaps somewhere in there, I'll read some books, tidy up a bit, and get some rest. Maybe the weekend will brighten up slowly.
That all said, I'm feeling very good. [MISSING ENTRY]
All said and done... or waiting for that state. I'm scared now. I need to sell this house, to move away, to move on with my own life, and to get away from all of the bs that is starting.
Please go be happy, and leave me alone. What part of that requires that I be scared? I'm holding my cell phone close, and frankly, I'm not sure whether I'd dial Peter or the police. Neither works well. I wish there was someone who provided response filtering..
Am I rightly scared? I hope not, but I'm slowly unable to tell, and that scares me as well. I feel clear-headed, and I'm really starting to enjoy things, push myself out and gather momentum, joy, and friendship.
I will fully and effectively hold my head high and smile at people today, hold out twigs of peace and creativity, share with others the little peices of me that have rejuvenated in the last couple of months, and pray that I'm not hiding something worse than I am aware of. Even the hidden fear is too much hiding already.
I'm off to do a tv spot on CP24 and CityTV in a little while. After that i have a big project on the go, and lots of marketing and training lit to wade through. [he is leaving - "We'll still be friends." But only if I agree to that. If I don't apparently support that statement actively, if instead I take a lot of space to heal and regrow all of my whiskers, then I guess friendship isn't desired any more. even if a friend would understand that need for space.]
And on and on... And what about all the good things that *are* happening in life? [Now that the fear has moved to the office, a delay of a few hours.] I'm out socializing, trying new things, exploring my own interests, learning more about music and how others taste it. I know what I'm going to do as soon as the house sells, and look forward to having my dream condo. I've formed a study group with a bunch of very smart people, and the discussions there are very stimulating. Almost a suprise to learn about things I already know in more depth, and in dialogue instead of listening. I'm looking forward to complete independence and freedom which is growing and opening up many new doors for me. Old friends and new are wonderful. Most wonderful, and seem to understand that at last my caterpillar cocoon has shed. My wings are unfurling. Although I might have chosen to be a moth, nocturnal, more hardy and attracted to bright lights, instead I'm a butterfly, a daytime insect, with colourful wings and a taste for dawn flowers.
All daughter writings of Carolyn's Diary are copyright © Carolyn L Burke, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 and may not be copied without permission except for non-commercial gain. See what your lawyers can make of that.