From: Aaron Weiss
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 12:03
To: Carolyn L Burke
Subject: Raisins in a greenhouse
I have this problem where I sometimes open my mouth when I perhaps shouldn't. It's partly an afflication of over-opinionatedness. The urge can be quite strong, such that it can overtake my more conservative side, and result in e-mail such as this one. I think it's a Jewish gene, for which there is not yet a therapy, chromosomal or otherwise.
Your open journal has been the source of a number of interesting benefits. You've already written about this, and I'm not going to re-hash it. In what, if any, ways does it possibly cause damage/problems? From my position, it seems more and more that the journal is serving to maintain a link between parties which is better off not maintained.
If I may be so bold, the only resolution to the current entangled dynamic is complete extraction. Because, it seems that any involvement in the slightest is mental involvement in the highest. And I'm not sure that this is aiding in healing. In putting my tail between my legs, let me disclaim that I'm not asserting that you haven't thought of any of this. I don't know that one way or another.
I've asked myself, why have/do I read what you write? Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't, because it's unfair, in that there's no reciprocity to it. On the other hand, it's very compelling stuff, and not at all for the reasons you cite that most of the faceless public reads it. Do you read what you write? Regularly, or once in a while? I also read it because I think you are very interesting, and unfortunately that sounds overly laboratorial but I don't mean it that way, I mean it like a person. It is ironic, I have thought, that I should encounter you under these circumstances, because it is the very storm in which you are in which allowed me to be here in the first place. However, due to that same storm I've shied away from attemping to initiate any real "normal" conversation because your mood is clearly (and quite understandably) otherwise.
There is some very interesting stuff in there which I'd like to take up, but currently feel is a fruitless endeavor. For example, your resistence to gender identification, to "femaleness." That really struck me, because I consider "maleness" to be near the bottom of my identity totem pole, and thus strongly relate to your alienation from "big tits" (well, er, replace that with a suitable male analogy of your choosing). But, as I am saying, it seems that you're under the weight of one cloud right now. However, regardless of what I'm saying about your conversing about other things, the fact remains that I can't see how remaining in this cloud is healing. Of course, the world is not so simple such that one can say, "Oh, I'm under a depressed and angry cloud? I'll just take to two steps to the right -- look at that! All better!" but I'm opening my mouth anyway :)
Actually, now I'm closing it, because I've made my point, or at least the broadest elements of it.
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If you want your rent check, and you do, give me your postal code. One has learned over the years that resorting to bribery is the universal solution :) Just kidding, I can drop it off, or I can mail it, in which case I will need your postal code, I know the rest of your address.
Now, if I can only figure out how to convince Dagney that she _shouldn't_ step on my head while I'm sleeping, and that newspapers-being-read _are not_ bedding.
Enjoy the rain,
Aaron