|vIRTUALLY yOURS:||cAROLYN L bURKE|
|be warned: this is my diary... clb||page 22|
Fruchter's friends needed a way to get to the celebration. Being the good-natured, and kind fellow that he was, he handed keys over to them, and suggested that they take his red car all the way. He stated to other friends that he looked forward to spending a week in peace without the friends, and to fixing his bicycle for traveling around the city.
Shortly after the friends pulled away, he received an apologetic and frenetic phone call. Putting aside other plans, he talked with one of the friends about the road accident they had been in. They were alright, and so was the dog they swerved to avoid. The car was crumpled. The car and the friends arrived back in the city that day.
We arise from a nation cast in the likeness of morality, a nation which contrasted against other nations of the world, godless, socialist, first world, democratic, wealthy. The people cared directly about each other and would always rise to assist. In a country where no man was king, each bestowed benevolence upon his neighbour aplenty. We find the ease of goodness rampant throughout a northernly and cold country, a country with little fear of invasion, and none of poverty.
Early on people came to Canada for the beauty and freedom offered by the great expanses of land to work. Later as the country saw its borders expanded and its population growing only nominally, others were invited in to stay from lands far and wide. This continued as those who came saw the wisdom in low birth rates, and a higher quality of life for everyone. The population grew, not by the birth of native born babes so much as through the addition of noteworthy and prosperous foreigners. And so Canada grew with a charm unknown throughout the world previously.
And the people remained a caring people with a reputation for peacefulness and fairness, one of the impartial nations of the new world order. Individually and as one, the people knew the feeling of respect. They learned as well many times, over the course of many wars, that peace comes only at its own pace. As princes and queens from other countries came to rely on the quality of life in Canada, so these spoiled peoples brought their troubles with them. They relied on the Canadians to provide the beauty and benevolence, but in return they did not learn the mannerisms of these qualities.
And so Canada became known by its own people, disparate as they were, as the country where the world's aristocracy could play at their own expense.
A man was born of Romanian descent at a time when communists were about to annex his country. He learned how to be a hard worker and to value this work above all.
Many years later, through circumstances that likely surprised him, a son was born unto him. This young boy was raised by the parents of this man and by the parents of his own mother as well. He received the wisdom and education of an older generation, from beyond the current political and social regime.
This young man grew to resent his father's true respect for hard work above all. As the father and mother traveled away from their homelands and towards the benevolent lands of the new countries, so their teachings came into conflict more and more with the political systems surrounding them.
The young man grew to adulthood. His perspective on life, unique and untested, became his crusade. He wanted to teach the world his own lessons. With open arms he welcomed travelers and visitors from all parts of the world. He offered them gifts, both material and abstract, wanting in return only understanding and their own success. His one concern was to be unlike his father. Although he did not realize it, he too was a hard worker, and so he resisted his father on other grounds, those that were not of import to either of them.
This man was traveler himself of course, having lived as a child in so many different countries. He felt internally as if he would not find a place of his own in spite of all the wonderful work he had done. But he continued to acclimatize in his new land, and after many years, he was as a part of that land as any he had met. The teachings of his grand parents, and the teachings of the communists, and those of the many lands he had passed through, and as well those of each person he had met as an adult, all of these stayed with him. The man was becoming a wise man.
He learned after many years of failure that he too was a hard worker, and that it was his hard work and not his benevolence that most of his students valued. For although he was wise, he could not see that he himself was not what he thought. He continued to rain gifts on the heads of those who asked for them. He tried to impart wisdom with each gift in the hope that someday he might not be alone in his wisdom.
Finally after giving a particularly spectacular gift which was taken in vain by the recipient, he learned true wisdom. He saw that the nature of gifts of true value can only be known by the recipient; that such gifts cannot be given at all, but only received. He had been working hard at all cost in fact to give wisdom to others. Wisdom can only be pursued. He was truly wise.
At long last he found his own land, and lived at peace. He happily worked hard at small tasks, and spoke wise things only when another pursued him.
It has often been wondered as to why the great historians of past times were concerned with one specific event of Peter Fruchter's life. The alleged event occurred in 1996, a year when changes took place across and around the world. Why this one event stood out as representative of its time stands as obvious. The true nature of those years, 1900-2000, the pre-millennium period of relaxation and intellectual exploration, can perhaps be best described as a period in history noteworthy for individual exploration.
It is perhaps more notable that Fruchter was an archetypal thinker. He brought to the intellectual world a vast education both officially as a psychologist, philosopher and lawyer, and unofficially as a specialist in human motivation. Fruchter himself stands out as representative of his time only in that he did what others only claimed to want. He lived according to his own principles.
This one event drew many of the forces of the times into convergence. Many of the histories written fail to describe the other players involved, and yet it was their natures as much as his, that tugged and strained at the leash of goodness.
Of note is the original history, written by an unknown reporter back in 1996. Was this writer actually an observer of the events? There is evidence suggesting that this was so. Many of the details described in third person, nevertheless show an intimacy unknown in other historical renditions. In fact, the mere choice in historical reporting style, that of an original history, may in fact denote that the writer might have been Fruchter, a known author himself, under a pseudonym, that of one Carolyn L Burke.
The following passage however indicates that there may have been another party involved, one who did not observe directly:
"[...], he talked with one of the friends about the road accident [the other friends] had been in."
Looking through other documents of the time, those of tax records, it seems that Fruchter may have been living with two other people in 1996, a man and a woman. Theories suggest that these people may in all likelihood have been the "friends" referred to. Their names have not been left to us.
We do know though that the lesson Fruchter learned at this time played a crucial future role in his dealings with other thinkers and doers of his time. Perhaps this above all is the reason we look back and wonder what sort of dog we are dealing with.
History of Travel
Peter Fruchter in turn is considered one of the travelers of the 20th century. Born in Romania, he migrated with his parents through a series of countries including Canada.
He encouraged others to travel, even supporting them at his own inconvenience if the journey was one of import.
Of note is the often cited 1996 car journey of his friends. We should point out two reasons of travel. Along with the support he granted the friends for their own journey, his car, he seemed to desire to remove from his own use the mode of traveling itself in exchange for a different mode.
We see here the reflection of his childhood migrations from Romania, through Israel and then europe, and on to North America, in his desire to live through many modes of travel. From car to bicycle, Fruchter stayed in tune with the places he traveled through. We are lead to wonder if this isn't the only true method of traveling at all in which the traveler becomes a part of and not apart from the lands and times of his own journeying.
reflective fragmentary idea
I had a long talk with Richard yesterday about his wants and goals in life. He had this beautiful woman staying with him, one who made her residence in Mexico to write plays. And now she is staying elsewhere while visiting Toronto. He confuses me in that he is so much happier when he has a girlfriend, and yet he does not truly want to do what having someone around entails.
He tried to explain this to me. I come away feeling that he has high standards. But I wonder if once again I've set an example that he will not find in another. If only it were so easy as to leave him to his own life for a few years. He would indeed find someone.
People meet me and have only one of four reactions, three based on shock or fear: I am evil, I am insane, I am amazing. The forth reaction although rare is that I am interesting and worth getting to know further. The first three all involve final judgments on too little information. I only value the last. Even though I might end up being called evil, insane or amazing after that person does get to know me, I am understood and judged for who I have chosen to be. I ask and want nothing more. Niels switched me from amazing to interesting and then found verging on evil (harmful enough). I valued this approach even though we are no longer friends.
Richard has always used the forth method for getting to know me. When self-involved, he always devolves into one of the other categories, and it is this that has so clearly delineated them for me. If he is hurt, he claims I am evil and am intentionally hurting him. If he is confused, he claims that I am insane. If he is happy, he claims I am amazing. Yawn. Projection. However, it seems that he projects into the standard three categories very distinctly. This says much about him. He cares about these three classes of social standing, and looks for them. It is only when he is truly warm inside himself that he sees that I am interesting.. in other words, he then steps out of himself to look elsewhere for awhile. I am flattered at those times that I am indeed actually interesting enough. [Perhaps it is the fluctuations between the other 3 interpretations that makes me meta-interesting.]
Now it is also interesting to me that once upon when I had split my personality up into bits that one was indeed in charge of being simply evil, another simply good, and a third generally competent at functioning barely in the world. Certainly the evilness is something I sure can project out at others when I am feeling attacked myself. And the insanity is easy to attribute once you catch me going through the split up into bits personality routine. The amazing ... :) It's just true. So I can see how easily I can be seen in each of these categories.
But I also know that it takes an effort to get beyond these and to the interesting parts of me, the parts that are not there simply as reactions to a world which did not make sense to me many years ago. I don't for the most part use the split up personality anymore. The things I've been doing, those ever since I wrote my Master's thesis, have all required the skills and energy from all of me. No one part will do anymore, and the hobbles are completely off. Tasks which demand of me that I be completely together are the only ones which even feel good to take on. The rest I still tragically fuck up. [I remember someone writing to me to say I didn't swear. They haven't met the evil personality. :) ]
Richard's array of reactions interestingly maps out the social categories my behaviour falls into. Funny that the categories do not seem to be of the same type as each other. The joints are not each from the same ontology as the other. :)
8am ... time to get to work
shhhh.. Carolyn is not supposed to notice this link. Click here to join the diary's secret mailing list. Richard
Report cards. we hand business cards to each other, status announced. We speak quickly of idiosyncasies just to get it over with up front. We mention allergies, diseases, childhood traumas, shoe size, all to make sure we don't end up with an unusable gift. Conversations about home town, last name, travel destinations desires or achieved, school history, spouse's work place, all quickly shared in case there is an acquaintenance overlap, or better yet a relative or friend in common.
It pays to know in advance some of these glitches, er, personality traits. But isn't there more to it? How often do we talk of metaphysical committments? Ah yes: "What religion / political alignment are you?" "Do you believe in ________ rights, in _______ advocacy, in __________ cause?" "Have you donated to this and that charity?" "Do you pay your taxes on time?" "Where do you squeeze the toothpaste?"
Umm. There is more to it. The entrance cost of meeting a new person is high if you want to get to this other stuff regularly. I do. So I guess I don't much care about the toothpaste issue, or abortion, or whatever because I want to talk about how we communicate, what it is like to be a person, how does one choose one's life course well... the meta-level.
And how often to people see that jump I make to the meta-level, the aboutness level? Not often. Dragging even friends up that incline is often hard work. I want it written on my report card all the standard answers to the standard concerns, and at the bottom in fine print, I'd like it to say:
All the above is optional. For the options license, please speak with Carolyn who can usually be located on the meta-level.
The weather is heavy unfriendly. In an hour, Hella and I will go out for breakfast, time to talk. That should be very fun. But we do need some better weather.
Moppins is so very happy. She and I and Fleiss will be moving soon. I gave up on my place finally. I'd like somewhere in a nicer neighbourhood. I'd like to be able to talk to the neighbours sometimes without feeling rude. I'd like better appliances, and more green space for the cats to play in - fewer mice to catch. I'm hoping Tracey will look with me. It would be fun and trying at once to live with her for awhile. But satisfying in a way too.
I hope she decides to.
There are somethngs that should not happen. Destruction of those things thatother's who you care about is one of these.
The door knocks.
The other night at dinner, we ordered "cocktails" for fun while waiting for a table. Ccktails were things like martinis and gin fizzes. I've been nearly psychotic for three days since. My mood flips around. I burst into tears. Simple habits are all busted. Wow. I cannot clearly state that this was the cause, but I am certain it was a large contributing factor. New mantra: no mood altering substances. Except cats and coffee.
I'm starting to feel human again, less caught in my own duldrums. Stay alert and feel the energy of creation. Not being a poet or other artistic entertainer, I am not interested in mood alterations.
15 years ago, I sold moods (A-B), then fluctuating up and down wildly, for levelness (B-C). I reasoned that a dampening effect would work better than an attempt to remove only the bad and negative moods. Whether this was true or false, it certainly was implementable. The goal was that when I finally acheived some levelness, I would then move that more levelled baseline up (C-D) gradually over the years. And this I've done too. So these wild mood swings into suicicidalness and up to euphoria are simply undesirable.
Simply. Such an easy turn of phrase. :) Right.
. g . o . o . . ...... d . . . . M . . . ........ O .. . . . O . . . ........ D . . . . . . b . . a . .. d .|....................|.......|............| A B C D TIME
So what to do. I'm going to decide to not drink, plain and simple. It is indeed harmful to me. I abstained for over ten years, and now I will do so again. Wow. people say that I take extreme measures. If only that were so. Moderation. Heh. This is actually moderate behaviour for me.
I feel as if I'm waiting for something. What? A meeting in 2 weeks with a publicist. The summer to end. My new building to settle into routine around all the local prima donas. Things I've accomplished to transform into a larger power base. The easy use of power to create further things. Richard's life with his new wonderful girlfriend to settle into routine. Furniture arrival.
Routines. Hmmm. And yet yuesterday I was thinking that all of my life is routine constructed now. How can I want more habits when what I lack is the exciting and different inspirational inputs. Shall I wonder back to writing miserable peotry about the assembly line culture? Yikes. But how to have this creative stimulus life and do things in the assembly line worshipping world. :) But I think that assembly lines are functional beyond the custom. It is me who is implementing the routines, making them more efficient. Alright. Recognized. Now what?
Better than assembly line. Another easy answer. Chirp. Buzzing off now.
This past week characterized by me being a nut. But not evil. ("I am so funny.")
The 14th of June. A wedding this weekend. Tracey and I will be going as we have special status amongst the guests, that of .... Later.
It's funny that most of life is not really going as expected by me. I'm wishing more and more that the good old days would return. Reminiscing is not something I even much enjoy, but comparatively, it seems to bring happiness. [Moppins is peering out the window from amongst the flowers on my desk.]
Unbelievable story: another car was borrowed and smashed up (rolled in fact) by the same people who did in Peter's car last week. It seems quite certain that they are capable of doing more ars in this way. Beware. I am having much trouble believing this story. Ah well.
Richard has become more aware of his own makeup finally. We talked yesterday almost as if writing a story rather than discussing psychology. And we were able to get past many unhealthy anger / pain triggers this way. As he grows used to the idea of having met and liked Aliison, he sees that he must also grow used to the idea that I will still be his friend and partner. People who think that pair bonding rules are annoying - not even amusing anymore. Pair bonding sucks - inherently limiting. Needy. Freedom leads farther afield, and is less concerned with the needs of the biosystem that may serve to carry it around. I ask of my self, "Who is serving who?" My answer comes easily to me: "Biosystems serve abstractions." Most do not make this decision.
Old photos bringing back memories of last year. One on my desk now from a time when Tracey needed models for balck and white lighting effects, Peter. Another, under the glass table in what was my new apartment, lying on the cool way overused air hockey game, Neko. A third, my profile against Olga's face, contrasts.
Old papers. Memories.
Why though do we want to have memories. They hurt. The future sparkles ever so brilliantly, the is that will be.
I think maybe I don't learn much at all. I've never kept a diary for so long or so constantly ever before. Now I can look back easily, with even a keyword search, and find that the events may have changed but my reactions and solutions to them seem to remain as they were. This saddens me. I lack the fear of knowing myself, and yet knowing oneself through time is one of those gaps that only those with a good memory can revel in. Suddenly - as it occurred to me so -- I see that through t9ime I am rather dense, perhaps even lazy with myself.
I know more than I reveal to me. Simple. Where is the wisdom in non-accumulating learning? In the trusting of myself, and my reactions, I had hoped to bypass bad memory, to accumulate without effort made. I had hoped that the learning accumulated useably inside me even without my awareness of the past and its lessons. ["Its" still travels with me so far, and I know it.] Now I suspect as I look back with photographs and words that I do not learn sufficiently.
And what of the meta-levels that I am not aware even exist? Do they not haunt me in blind habituation? How could they not?
There is a "beach" party this afternoon attached to a wedding, and do I not simply not go for reason only that I am shy. A reason I have had my whole entire life. A reason with which I am sheltered quietly, and so never get beyond my own sphere. And last night it was an invitation to one of Peter's band's performances, an event I would have died of embarrassment at, but which I woul dhave found stimulat8ion and enjoyment at nevertheless.
When will I learn that there is nothing to fear at such occasions, and that instead I know already that mere disdain and boredom are the worst possible happenings? Coward. And critic. In the end alone and eventually without stimulation, a much needed source of contact with the unknown.
I had indeed encouraged both of these parties to invite me to events of interestingness. But do I get there? Not if I must travel there alone. Simple. My limiting factor currently (as opposed to theone which will inconspicuously replace it) is going into the world by myself. I cannot seem to voluntarily do so. I do not do so. And if one of my guards is not available or is not welcome at the event in question - often the case - then I am left without the willingness to eventry. Fear stops me cold. I grind to halt physically if I try to get past this.
I know the safety lines that I will not cross. Currently those lines are not far enough extended into the world that I might even be self-sustaining. I don't leave my own apartment currently without one of the guards - close to true.
So where is the progress? This problem has recurred throughout my life. It never really goes away - a default.
A better story is that it is always a necessary stage in a process of healing. Implies an ending soon.
If nowever I am healing, then what from? Richard's changes. FSC changes. Lack of attention in the summer. My media campaign slowing. The results of not learning - officially - anymore. [a must change]
Really it is that the people most important to me each live like this by choice. I as a consequence do not receive from my guards - these same friends - any encouragement to be other than this way. And yet I would like to be. It is I believe up to me then - surprise stupid. giggle
Now is the time to make this change. I look at my life and see worldly success and personal boredom. Change, damn it. :)
I had a great time yesterday. Amazing time. I met lots of people who've I've only heard about, and quite a number of others I've met only once or twice. It is such a pleasure to travel into such a big social space, an open one where positives are shared. That between myseelf and Peter and as well between myself and Tracey here was expanded extensively. The people involved sem to know that there are maintainers involved in this working to bring things always(?) together.
I remember times when the togetherness feeling emerged in my past involving more than two or three people. But in recent times, I thought it impossible. I feel today the way sex once made me feel, full of hope and ease.
Tracey and I both went to the wedding. I believe that she too had a marvelous time. We hardly even managed to keep up with each other. Surprising given my propensity to guards, and hers too. I want to act wisely now to continue this, learning and involving myself, and eventually bringing this energy to the ones I love already. It is indeed amusing that what I have accomplished in business is unstarted in personal stratas. It is indeed time to unravel the problems of the social interaction.
I think htat the main pleasure involves the room for one's own tides of interest and rest to naturalize once a seeming critical mass of social energy is reached. With a few extroverted fun makers, those of us less inclined to this can lap at the shore for awhile while building up surf breakers to add in.
Now to work on the remaining self-doubt: what the fuck do I know about anyway except myself and running a business. I am functionally social-illiterate. Humankind cannot thrive on geek jokes and scifi references alone. Can we?
Bill Ursel says that I might be more than a person: a public set of characters.
I think this is interesting, but odd. My revelation (which seems like it occurred only yesterday, but which has influenced my behaviour greatly since (ie. caused in large part my desire to be famous)) was that each person in our isolated age needs nevertheless to fill the evolved social recognitions. One of these is the community recognizer: we need to know stably about between 20 -200 - 2000 (I'm not ecxactly sure which) people and their lives and interactions to stay balanced and in our own character space.
I decided that it would be much more fun and interesting to be one of the 20 - 2000 than it would be only to talk about these.
The revelation was that the way we have solved this need to create public figures out of politicians, movie stars, etc. Celebrities. The celebrities are simply those people we all know in common, and who if we are really lucky, will even interact with each other (celebrity marriages are high on the public thrill list!).
The rest is as it were my history. :)
And does this mean that I play several characters? giggle... of course. But I do reveal all of these sorts of things to myself, and especially in the diary.
Ummmm... at the office where thinking occurs in different shapes. Ummm.
Allow me to meander through coffe induced hallucidations towards the the goal of life. Yeah right.
Things ought to be different. One down.
Things will be different. Two.
I want to be responsible for some of those differences. Hmmm.
I was asked an interesting question by a quote cute guy at a wedding this past weekend. After telling me what is wrong with me, by my request, he asked me to tell him why I pursue power and not other things that most people want.
I at first explained that power was a good in and of itself. This did not sustain much believability. I moved on to explain that the other things people pursue are best sought for all if what one wishes is to live in a better world.
To create a better world through the gaining of power and then through its use is indeed to make the world a better place for ma, and to make me a more reasonable and btter person inthe trials of the pursuit.
I satisfied this man and his questioning. And he was cute.
shhhh.. Carolyn is not supposed to notice this link. It's going really well. Many netizens are wondering if she knows the s e c r e t. Others are trying to determine if she's real. Even some of her friends. Click here to join the diary's secret mailing list. Richard
7:00 am: This morning, I'm appearing on the CBC morning news with Bill Cameron as a possible net addict. 7:45 am EDT. Gotta run to get dressed. I'm betting I am. But in a good way.
Tracey and I want to celebrate today with a wonderful picninc down by the lake. The longest day of the year party.
Yesterday down at the CBC was amusing. By definition it seems, I am a net addict. I spend half my waking life online, and much of my social life happens here too. I love it.
Now showered. So on to more mentally stimulating things. Where am I at?
I've been once again caught up in the details. Pull back. Peace. My mind wanders to social things: Peter's event on Saturday night, last week's wedding, writing here more often or in more depth.
Simple. But why such an easy conculsion?
I must be. It's a beautiful summer's night outside. I'd love to be out walking around thinking, talking, trying to feel wonderful. But even after a major tantrum this afternoon about my social life, and after trying to convince at least one person know to go out tonight, and even after I caught a movie to assauge my feeling that I couldn't succeed in going out alone, even after this whole routine, I can't help but wish I wasn't alone. I can't help but conclude that there is a reason.
Reason... I push peope away. I don't attract them closer. I don't encourage those who try. I am a loosey person to talk with.
"False." I am simply bored. "We make our own good times." So what. "I want someone to talk with wh is everything wonderful." There is no such person. Because you are too scared to meet people. Because when they talk to you you snarl at them.
Is this what they mean when they say celebrity is no fun - that it feels like it would replace the need to attract in other manners. It doesn't. I get it. Fast enough to know it isn't the reason I'm doing that. That is a fun thing, something that gives me momentum to play with, energy to drive other things. Not my social life. That proceeds moment by moment, without that label in fact.
Moment by moment. But hte problem isn't finding people. It is liking them. So few are interesting, and fewer willing to express, and even fewer able to play. In the end, playing is really what I enjoy doing the most, just as when I was a kid.
Meander. Point: I want to have fun with people. But I don't do anything that adds people into my schedule. Well I do a few things. Tracey and I are having our Solstice picnic tomorrow down at Cherry Park. And tomorrow Peter is eventing with his band. And Allison has returned to wonderfully entertain and play with Richard, and I know I'll see her and co. again. A list of real things.
Richard made a nice point today. He pointed out that I am doing absolutely nothing to cause either invitations or events to occur. Solstice party was to be an event with others. We wanted to do this months ago. Maybe I should get a tv. No. I wound't have written this evening. Although it isn't going anywhere. But we did not cause.
Mind on. Breathe deeper. Orchids in the window wisp in beautiful smells. Not evil. Not insane. Just foolish. Hard to get along with.
I asked another friend, Carey, to make her peace with herself. I have been thinking hard about whether I should be there for a person during the tough times when the tough times are caused by the person more than the environment. How do we decide these things? She didn't try to talk with me after I wrote her. I find myself wishing I had some way to express to her that friendship is more important than the other bullshit she and I waded through. But from her I see there was not a friendship.
I cannot think that friendship can exist with another at all if there is no talk about its very nature. Or to pull in something a wise / cute fellow said last week, perhaps friendship can be a doing instead of a saying or analyzing.
But if I let that extra expanded sense enter in, then I know that I was that sort of friend with Carey. To her, simply another scheduling problem. I know better than this. I know it is really hard to be her. And I know what I do or say simply does not matter to her. It is at that point that I duck.
And then Richard pointed out the other withdrawls I've made in hte last little while. Where is the path in the social world. I can't see it at all. I just hypothesize that others can percieve the way. I can see them seeinghte way, but I cannot see it. I can see them taking random risks. I cannot tell why. Wow. It is invisible. And I can see its outline. The outline of the ethical social web paths.
I don't know other than the simple few pieces that osmosed into my mental space when I was a kid. I have been outlining htese rules to Richard bringing him from the Montreal culture to Toronto's. And seeing that I know these things rather clearly easily. Surprise.
It is easier not to act onthem as they are clarified. But...
What would constitute reassurance that I am more than only an asshole? Nothing. Simple. So leap into the faith of the social. Nuts? Briliant? Both. When the blind walk they do get to the other side of the room. And they do feel equaly unaccomplished in doing so (I would guess) except on teir first attempt. So jump. Yikes. I feel energy flowing in me when the fear is removed as it is right now. Cheap writings still get somewhere.
The building is a client attracter. It also attracts hustlers and schemers. :) Of a better quality than previously.
And now it is an hour later. Tomorrow is another opportunity to be brave. G'night.
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