I had a list of long-time friends, people who I could never lose touch with, here. But I've removed it. I'm afraid of hurting people who aren't on the list butthought they would be. ;( I want everyone in the world on this list instead.

Let everyone, every person, every two-legged featherless biped, make up my family. It'll sure increase my inheritence potential. But as well, trying to draw a line to exclude the warmth and happiness possibilities of the future, and even of invisible nows, isn't worth it.

The list dies in favour of an invitation to you to get to know me for real. I don't follow the normal conventions, for sure. I'm odd. As my mom always did tell me, "That's not for public viewing." She was wrong.

I haven't spoken to a blood relative in years. The last time was a call from my younger sister, Jennifer, the one who was recipient of my the tactics of domination stemming from what have turned out to have been only childish fantasies of control and leadership (to put it politely). She called for some pretext... I don't know what. I got her tolaugh with me uncomfortably about the ridiculousness of our younger days living with our parents. I could tell this hurt her a lot... they still play a large part in her life. She told me about how my father likes to play with her baby son as he never did with us. She likes him now. I am so much like him, and yet still I don't.

Reflecting afterwards, I realized I was still angry at them, at my childhood weaknesses. I still don't like having a person inthe position of rule governing me.

Today, my family consists of people I have met since leaving my parents' home at 16. Only. They are people I have admired, loved, held close, learned from, experimented with, screamed at, and generally just let myself be me. And they know who they are.

So I advise to all [don't you just hate advice :) ]... choose the people you will be close to, whose opinions you will take to heart and who will warm your soul. I am the only person I know who has made the hard decision inhereting something in 30 years (real f*&#ing likely given my blood relations) possibly is not worth the price of kowtowing for those 30 years. I'll make it on my own before doing that! Its really not that hard if you open your eyes and comparison shop.

Let's just say that I've reclaimed the idea of family without the blood lottery that most endure.

Carolyn's Diary
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